The South

You know you are in the South when...

...ducks are camera shy.  

...grits have their very own section in the grocery store and are included on the way up high in the air aisle signs.

...every variety of grits imaginable is available on the shelves once you get to the section.  Cheddar grits, yellow grits, white grits, bacon grits, butter grits.  It's all there and it's real easy to sound like Bubba from Forrest Gump when commenting on all the varieties of grits.  Real easy. 

...there are seventy-three ways to say the word Grandpa.  And there are mugs for sixty-five of those ways. 

...Coke still comes in a glass bottle.  Coke in a glass bottle.  Chilled in ice. 

...there are pralines.  Well, actually first, there are pralines.  Second, there are free samples of said pralines.  Both not something that happens around these parts.  And I must admit, those pralines are so good they make you want to slap your mama {Shelby, that's for you}.  I also must admit that I actually ate one.  They were warm and the lady really wanted me to try one.  What can I say?  I just couldn't let her down.  And I didn't have to do a headstand for a free one like Momma Debi had said the night before when she tried to make me believe free praline = a headstand.  Whether you say pray-leen. or praw-leen, they sure are tasty little devils.  I'm on the pray-leen side of the pronunciation.  However, Dad-o is on the praw-leen side of the debate.  We are both convinced we are right.  That's not the first time that has happened. 

 

...a boat that straight up looks like the "little tug boat that could" is charting the waters.  Tires around it and all. 

...the word "grits" is truly everywhere.

...the trees forgot to grow straight.  

...you become an alien in your server's eyes when you ask for unsweetened iced tea.  Apparently, sweet tea is more the norm.  Once you get the server to understand you actually want them to bring you unsweetened tea, it tastes a little bit better than fabulous.

...a seafood bucket is available on the menu.  A bucket full of seafood.  I believe it is referred to as a boil.  Only that would sound more like, "Oh y'all want the seafood bowwal."  It's all very confusing.  Boil or bowl, one is never certain.

...there are flags everywhere.  It's like the South is throwing a birthday party at all times.

...a man who seems to look as if he could be missing a tooth or two comes to the pond and sets up a trap.  Naturally I asked the man what the trap was for and he replied with, "An otter.  There's a pesky otter eating up all the fish in this here pond."  And what I wanted to say back was, "I think your trap needs to be more on the sneaky side of life."  But I didn't.  Instead I said, "Oh those otters.  They are always showing up where you don't want them."  He had not caught the otter by the time we left.  I'm convinced it's because that set up he devised screams, I AM A TRAP!  I AM A TRAP!  Plywood sides and all. 

...front porches still exist.

 ...you overhear this conversation while in the nail salon.  Before I start the conversation, I want you to picture in your head with me two of the most coiffed southern ladies in their mid-50's sitting across from each other with their fingers and toes under the nail dryers.  I also want you to picture Sister Pister and I sitting next to each other across the room to the left with our feet in the warm bubbly water and the massage chairs doing their things on our backs while we couldn't help but giggle at the epitome of southern we were hearing. 

I've named the ladies Bev and Caroline.  Why?  Because I wanted to. 

Bev:  Do you put buttermilk in yo' cornbread?

Caroline:  No, no I always put one egg in mine.  That's the secret don't you know?  

Bev:  Well you are just not going to believe this but last night I was watching that Diane Sawyer on the television and she was doing a special.  They went into one lady's house and took everything out that wasn't made in the U.S. of A.  Yes, everything out that was not made right here in America and whoooo...there wasn't but nothing left!  Nothing but a Viking refigerator.  Now those are top of the line.  They.are.top.o.the.line. and expensive, but they are made right here in America.  Watching that, them just removing everything out of that house, mmmmhhhmmmm, that is what is wrong with our country.  

Caroline:  My kids are the same way.  Shoot, when I die, they will just come in and throw everything.  I just know it.  

Bev:  I get my hair cut every four weeks.  It don't matter if it don't need it.  I still get it done up.  

Caroline:  Oh me too honey!  Me too.  

Bev:  And look at you with your nails all done up in green getting yourself ready for St. Patty's Day.  Isn't that fun?  

Caroline:  Any reason to throw a party honey.  Any reason to throw a party.  

I am not making this up.  Sister Pister and I took notes because we were that entertained.  I loved every second.  We also acted it out several times during our vacation week.  Several times.  That is something you really should see in person. 

...being on a boat in March makes sense.  If you were on a boat here in March, you'd be on the ice and that would just be awkward.  

...there are signs telling you what to have on your feet.  Okay, this might not really be a southern thing, I just liked the sign and wished I had one for my front foyer that said...

EASILY SMUDGED
SOCKS REQUIRED

Anyone know a sign maker?  

...the light coming through the weeping trees makes you want to act out Gone with the Wind.  They just do.  

Oh how I love the South.  Mmmmhhmmm, honey...I sure do love me some southern.  Someday, I'll go back.