Letting it Out

I wrote the following yesterday, Friday, afternoon.  It needed to come out of me and be released.  And then came the decision whether to share or not to share.  To be vulnerable or to remain locked.  After a night's sleep and coffee drinking this morning and more reflecting, I am sharing.  Because, in the past, I have found when I open up and let it out, it becomes a healing process.  And ultimately, when I look back at my life, my regrets are not usually because I shared or gave too much.  They more come in the form of holding back and keeping it in.  My fear with sharing is it will be viewed as a call for pity and it is so very much not that.  It is simply me letting it out...  

I cried this morning.  

It happened when I was pulling out of the square of my little neighborhood.  Rolled my car to a stop.  Coffee cup in one hand.  Steering wheel in the other.  I looked to my left.  My friend happened to be driving by at that exact moment.  In her mini van.  

I cried.  

Because I may never have a mini van.  May never have what she has.  Perfect little girls.  A husband who loves her.  Loves her more than the air.   

I cried.

And I looked up in the rear view mirror because the instant overwhelming sadness shocked me on a deep level.  Normally, strong emotional reactions elude me.  I have been a self proclaimed non-crier for much of my life.  So the tears rolling down my cheeks all because of a one second encounter with my friend and her mini van were startling. 

Why now?  Why am I crying now, on a Friday morning, in the middle of November?  

I don't know for sure.  Do we ever?  But what I do know is this.  I don't want to be alone anymore.  As much as I try and make it fun to be able to not have to check in with anyone and as much as I try to love the fact I am the one who decides every decision and as much as I tell ridiculous stories about dating and as much as I try to have loving on my nieces and nephews and forever friends' babies be enough and as much as I try to drown it all out with music...it is nagging...I don't want to be alone anymore.  

Last night, as I sat on my couch in the late, late night darkness with a single lamp lighting my way, these were the thoughts running through my head.  

What else do I need to do to make myself want-able?  What piece of the puzzle am I missing?  Why am I not good enough? 

I feel like I want to run away because there is something squishing me and I feel my spirit being broken.  Slowly.  Piece by piece.  Because I can't figure out the missing link of why nobody wants me.  

I have worked so hard for the past year and almost a half to change my life.  To change me.  And I suppose I thought with all of that would come someone who would want me.  But it hasn’t. 

The soul squishing scary part, the part I don’t want to say out loud but need to say out loud is this...

I may have messed up my life for too long.  It may be too late.  I may always be on the "Nobody Wants" list.  I may never have babies of my own.  I may never have someone love me. 

I have worked so hard.  So hard to fix my wrongs.  So hard to be healthy.  So hard to be less controlling and less judgmental.  So hard to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness and let the past go.  

Yet here I am.  Alone.  

My life is on pause. 

I have the perfect house I’ve always wanted. 

I have the perfect job I’ve always wanted.

They don’t matter.  Because I have no one.  No one who calls me his love.  No one who calls me Mom. 

What I now know more than ever is the material things in life like houses, cars, jobs, clothes...really mean nothing. 

If they meant something, I’d be so freaking happy I would be jumping up and down. 

What means something...end of all ends means something...is love.  To love and be loved.

At the end of my day, I am alone.  At the beginning of my day, I am alone.  In the middle of my day, I am alone. 

I want to run away so I don't feel like I’m being squished all the time.  I want my spirit to quit breaking.  Slowly.  Piece by piece. 

I want someone to tell me what I need to do to become want-able.  To become good enough.  Because the missing link is lost and I don't hold the treasure map.